This Lump in my Throat

I don't remember exactly what I was doing when I found it. It was a Saturday afternoon. Lola was napping. Josh was shopping online for Christmas presents when I burst into the room.

"Feel this," I said, placing his hand onto the front of my neck. "Do you feel that?"
"No....Wait. Yeah."

Damn. Confirmation that I was not indeed imagining something.

"What is that?" he asked, placing his finger on top of the small pea-size lump.
"I don't know."
"You should have a doctor look at it."

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On Monday morning, I called my doctor. The receptionist offered an appointment on Tuesday. I told her, I'd see her at four o'clock.

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When the doctor examined me, I talked nervously. I told him that I was the healthiest person I knew. How I was so healthy, that after my life insurance physical, my life insurance company offered me a higher policy at the same premium price. I bragged about not being on any medications. How I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. How I don't drink. That I love to exercise.

He asked me if anyone in my family had ever been diagnosed with cancer.

He told me that he couldn't tell if it was in my lymph nodes. But that it wasn't necessarily in my thyroid either. That he didn't know what it was.

Great.

He asked me if I had difficulty swallowing. If I felt a lump in my throat.

He wanted lab work. An ultrasound.

These things didn't scare me. I've done labs before. An ultrasound sounded good to me.

But, then, he said these things needed to be accomplished "ASAP." I needed to fast tonight and go get labs done in the morning. I needed to schedule the ultrasound immediately.

He was urgent. He started to use words like, "now" and "necessary" and "don't delay." He wore a serious expression.

My heart started to pound. I walked out of the office with directions to the lab, and an ultrasound order in my hand. Thankfully, my drive home was short. My mind kept bouncing back and forth between, "You're fine. You're going to be fine. This isn't a big deal. These are just tests." and "What if I need to have surgery? What if I have --?"

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For ten days, I panicked. I double-checked my estate planning documents (yes, I have those.) I convinced Josh that we should upgrade our Christmas tree, you know, just in case this was my last Christmas. I ate all of my favorite foods guilt-free.

Then, I got the results.

I was fine.

The labs? Perfect. The lump? An enlarged lymph node. The cause? Maybe some sort of infection, an oncoming cold, allergies, anything really. No need for surgery. No need to be concerned.

I was so relieved, and really, more than anything, felt lucky. The universe had spared me, at least for now.